Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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