Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
