Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
