I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
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