Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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