from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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