I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
