you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
