problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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