cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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