omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
