How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
