I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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