every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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