The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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