His hands were made for my vagina.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
