So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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