So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
