Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize