Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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