Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
