if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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