I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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