dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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