my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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