I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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