I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
