It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
We need to get me chipped asap
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize