Im at strip club and am horny
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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