i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
