I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
