I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize