he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
