We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
