apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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