im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
