my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
