It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
