I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
