A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
