What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
