my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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