I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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