Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
