Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
