I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
