oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
