so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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