Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
