Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
