i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize