moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
