Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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