return my video game
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
