i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
