So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
