Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Everclear isn't food dammit
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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