if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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