It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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