Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
