I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
