Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
