Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
