So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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