morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
