just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
