I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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