matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize