I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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