She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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