now i know why i became what i already was.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
