So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
