Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
