i was born a porn star she said
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
