i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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